People are surrounded by it every day—the late night comedian gets a laugh at the expense of someone not there to defend himself; the news is filled with one sided stories that include snippets and sound bites of partial truths; during the drive home from church, families talk negatively about what someone was wearing or doing. Social media propagates rumors that can ruin the lives of others. Politicians banter back and forth with demeaning comments while seeking our support and approval. How often do individuals say and do things that put others down…while our children are watching? Children are watching adults engage in this behavior, and yet they get in trouble, sometimes even expelled from school when they follow our example. Adults are responsible for creating the culture that our children will grow and hopefully thrive in. We need to hold ourselves accountable. Scripture gives us two important tools to help us create a culture where all are included.

就在我们身边，这件事每天都会发生——为了获得笑声，深夜秀的喜剧演员不惜嘲笑他人的窘境；新闻也充满了片面的故事，只包括部分片段和事实；在从教堂开车回家的路上，家人有时会议论某人的穿着或行为。多少人的人生都被社交媒体传播的谣言毁了。政客们不仅想获得我们的支持和认可，他们还经常用过分的言语来开竞争对手的玩笑。人们有多少次让他人难堪，而且是当我们的孩子在看的时候？孩子们看着大人的这种行为，他们也会慢慢受影响，慢慢的也会惹上麻烦，有时甚至被学校开除。成年人有责任创造一个给孩子成长的环境，让我们的孩子能够在那个环境里茁壮成长。我们有这个义务。好在圣经给了我们两个“工具”来帮助我们创造一个充满包容的环境。

In its most rudimentary form, bullying is knocking another down to build oneself up. It is about control over another and feeling superior. Here are some questions that will build the framework for our discussion: Why do individuals need to feel superior over another? Is it possible to become content with one’s identity? How is the foundation laid for building a culture of including others, as opposed to a culture of excluding others? What can each person do to become a part of the solution? Is there something that can be done in our schools to prevent this? Is bullying connected to school violence? What are some practical steps to help someone feel that they belong and that they are significant, accepted, and secure?

霸凌最基本的目的是通过压低别人来升高自己。它是去控制他人并得到优越感。下面的这些问题可以成为我们讨论的一个提纲：为什么人需要感觉比他人优越？人们会满足于自身的身份吗？那又如何为建立一个包容的环境而不是一个排他的环境去奠定基础呢？我们都能为此做些什么？学校怎样做才能避免霸凌的发生呢？霸凌与校园暴力有关吗？又有哪些比较实际的步骤帮助人们感到他们是被包容的，是重要的，被接受的，有安全感的呢?

When one thinks of bullying, a mental picture of a school playground or locker room often comes to mind. Unfortunately, bullying is not contained to those few situations. This simple guide will expose what bullying is and what a person can do about it, whether a parent, teacher, administrator, child, or concerned adult.

当想到霸凌时，脑海中经常浮现出学校操场或更衣室的场面。但不幸的是，霸凌不只是出现在那些情况下。接下来这个简单的指南将揭露什么是霸凌，让家长、老师、管理员、孩子和相关的成年人知道该做些什么来解决这个问题。

According to stopbullying.gov, a website managed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, “nearly 50% of students in grades 4 through 12 experienced bullying within a given month and more than 70% of students admit to having seen bullying occur in their school” (https://www.publicschoolreview.com/blog/how-does- bullying-affect-a-students-academic-performance).

美国卫生与公众服务部管理网站stopbullying.gov显示，“近百分之五十的4 – 12年级学生在近一个月受到过霸凌，超过70%的学生承认在他们的学校里看到过霸凌事件的发生”(https://www.publicschoolreview.com/blog/how-does- bullying-affect-a-students-academic-performance)。

Research suggests that when school administrations start talking about what bullying is, and when teachers and parents become aware of and start discussing what they can do about it, incidents of bullying typically decrease by about 25% (McCallin and Feder, 2013). So the simple act of reading this book indicates an interest to be part of a solution to the ongoing problem.

McCallin和Feder在2013年的研究表明，当学校管理部门开始重视霸凌是什么时，当老师和家长开始意识到并考虑该为此做些什么时，霸凌事件通常会减少百分之二十五。接下来，继续阅读这本书将会让你有兴趣帮助并解决当前的霸凌问题。

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matthew 5:9). That’s a foundational piece to be mindful of as we examine this topic. Relationships are difficult and at times messy. It would be beautiful if there were a panacea or a silver bullet and suddenly everybody would get along and be at peace, but that is not likely to occur. And yet Jesus promises us that those who are peacemakers will be blessed. Conflict is not an easy topic, but it is worthwhile to examine this issue as there is a blessing that is a byproduct of making the effort.

在登山宝训中，耶稣说:“使人和睦的人有福了！”(马太福音5:9)。这是我们探讨霸凌这个话题时应始终牢记的根基。人际关系是复杂的，有时甚至是混乱的。如果有什么方法能突然使所有人都能和睦相处，那就太好了，但这不太现实。然而耶稣应许我们，那些使人和睦的人是有福的。冲突并不是一个轻松的话题，但是它是值得研究的，因为这会给我们带来祝福。

问题：

你生活中是否存在着你认为的霸凌的现象？人们是如何对待的？你对这本书的学习有什么期待？

What Is Bullying?

什么是霸凌

What is bullying? Is it more than a student being inconsiderate or rude, more than teasing?

什么是霸凌？不就是一个学生粗鲁、不体谅别人、取笑别人吗？

Some people are mean-spirited, inconsiderate, and rude. They say mean things, they are not kind, and the way they treat people is a sin. While reports of bullying are prevalent in the media today, close examination is required to determine whether bullying occurred. Some are quick to label it bullying every time someone’s feelings are hurt—when really there is a difference between bullying and being mean-spirited. Neither behavior is acceptable, but understanding the difference is vital. 有些人心胸狭窄，没有爱心，粗鲁。他们说不友善的话，不友好地与别人相处，他们对待别人的方式是有罪的。虽然关于霸凌的报道在今天的媒体上很普遍，但我们需要仔细检查以确定那是不是真的霸凌。每当有人的感情受伤时，有些人很快就把它归类为霸凌，但其实刻薄和霸凌是有区别的。这两种行为都不可接受，但认识到它们之间的区别也很有必要。

What is the fundamental difference between bullying and teasing? When I recently asked a group of parents this question, I received these insightful responses: “Bullying is not just one incident.” “Teasing is not necessarily meant to be hurtful. It can be, but bullying is more of a one-way street.” 霸凌和取笑最根本的区别在哪？最近，当我询问了一群家长这个问题后，我得到了几个令我印象深刻的答案：“霸凌是不只发生过一次的”；“取笑不一定是造成伤害的，虽然取笑也可能造成伤害，但霸凌一定是造成伤害的。”

First Samuel 16:7 says, “People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” The difference between bullying and teasing is an issue of the heart. If you grew up in a home where there was teasing, then there’s a good chance you are comfortable with bantering back and forth. My light-hearted and fun-loving Uncle Fred would sometimes say, “Rhoda, you know if you would just dry off better when you get out of the pool, you wouldn’t rust, and you wouldn’t have those freckles.” He always teased, and it was an endearing thing. The heart behind it was well intentioned and it bonded the relationship.

撒母耳记上16章7节说：“因为耶和华不像人看人，人是看外貌的，耶和华是看的内心。”霸凌和取笑的区别在于心。如果你生活在一个爱开玩笑的家庭，那你很可能就会适应这种说话方式。我无忧无虑，爱开玩笑的弗雷德舅舅经常对我说，“罗达，如果你出泳池后再擦得干一点的话，就不会生锈，也不会有雀斑了。”他总是爱开玩笑，但这是一件很可爱的事情。他的心里是善意的，并且很好地维持了我们之间的关系。

If a child grows up in a home where teasing is not common, and words are always taken literally, it can be disconcerting and easily be misinterpreted. At this point a simple explanation may be all that’s required. Explain to the child whose feelings were hurt that the banter was not intended to be cruel. The teasing was misinterpreted. The person teasing needs to understand their words were not taken the way they thought they would. Teach them to pick up clues as to how the other person is responding. If their words cause another to be sad, they should stop teasing and apologize. Though they didn’t intend to hurt someone’s feelings; feelings were hurt. 如果一个孩子生活在一个没有开玩笑这种习惯的家庭中，那么当别人拿他开玩笑时，他会把这些话看的很严重，并且会觉得这很烦人或者对它有一些误解。在这个时候，一句简单的解释可以解决这个问题。可以告诉那个受伤的孩子，“刚才他们只是在开玩笑，没有带有任何的恶意。”与此同时，开玩笑的人也需要意识到他说的玩笑话被误解了，并且他需要及时地运用一些线索来察觉对方的心理有没有受伤。虽然他没有恶意，但对方受伤了。

Even when it appears teasing is an exchange where both people are having fun, teachers and parents need to pay close attention. Are both parties equally enjoying the exchange? Are both kids smiling? Does their body language indicate both are having fun? If one person is having fun at the expense of the other this may actually be bullying and it needs to be dealt with immediately. 即使有些时候看起来是在开玩笑，而且双方都很开心，老师和家长也需要密切关注。两方是否都在享受这个过程？孩子们都在笑吗？他们的肢体语言是否表明两人都很开心？如果一方以牺牲另一方为代价获得乐趣，这很可能就是霸凌，并且需要立即处理。

Bullying often involves one person putting the other person down to make themselves feel better. More often than not, the root of bullying stems from self-esteem issues and one’s lack of positive identity. 霸凌经常是一个人为了让自己感觉更好而去贬低另一个人。大多数情况下，霸凌的根源是自尊问题和缺乏正面的身份认同。

In simple terms bullying can be reduced to this idea: “I am going to knock you down in order to build myself up.” However, bullying consists of three primary factors: First, there is an identity issue. Second, there is usually a power differential (one person is smarter, larger, older, etc.). And third, it is reoccurring and continues until stopped. 简单的来说，霸凌是一种这样的想法：“我要打倒你，以建立我自己。”然而，霸凌其实有三个主要因素—— 第一，存在身份的问题。第二，往往有能力上的差距（一个人聪明点，高一点，年纪大一点等等）。第三，它会反复发生直到被阻止为止。

At its core, bullying is an issue of identity. When one feels insecure in who they are, they may feel the need to tear someone else down in order to feel better about themself. As Christians, our worth stems from the price Jesus paid for our redemption. He loved us enough to give the most valuable thing he had: himself. He has redeemed us or bought us back from Satan, to call us his own. That is where true worth, value, and identity come from, and that is true of all of us regardless of skill, beauty, and ability. 从本质上说，霸凌是一个身份的问题。当一个人对自己的身份没有安全感时，他可能会为了让自己感觉更好而去诋毁别人。我们作为基督徒的价值源于耶稣为了救赎我们而付出的代价。他爱我们甚至爱到可以牺牲他最宝贵的东西：他自己。耶稣已经拯救了我们；他把我们从撒旦那里赎买回来，让我们属于他。这是真正的价值和身份的由来。这种价值和身份对我们所有人都一样，不管我们的才华，容貌，和能力是怎样的。

The only aspect of identity that will follow us into eternity is what Jesus has done for us. 唯一能跟随我们进入永恒的身份是耶稣为我们所做的一切。

God created his world with marvelous variety. Look at the diversity and assortment of flowers. There are hundreds of color combinations, so many different shapes, sizes, and smells, and that is just in our corner of the world. When we go to another area of the country or world, there are hundreds more flowers unique to their area. Dog breeds range from St. Bernard’s to Yorkies. God enjoys variations. People do not have to be similar in order to like each other. We can appreciate and respect each other despite our differences. 神创造了一个奇妙的多样化世界。看看那些不同样子和类型的花朵。它们有几百种颜色，各种各样的形状，大小和气味，而且这只是在我们所处的这片区域。如果我们去这个国家或者世界的其他地区，会看到更多奇妙的花。就连狗的品种也各式各样，有像圣伯纳德犬那么大的，也有像约克犬那么小的。上帝很喜爱这些不同的东西。人们不需要相似才能彼此喜爱。即使我们不一样，我们也可以接纳和尊重别人。

When we understand we are uniquely created by a Divine Maker and so is your neighbor and friend, your co-worker and the people you ride the bus with, and it is all by God’s beautiful design, then we can be secure in who we are. We have no reason to feel better than the next person. Why would we? God created that person according to his own design and purposes; purposes different than ours. And that brings us to the second component of bullying. 当我们意识到我们自己、我们的朋友、邻居、同事、一起坐公交的人都是被一个神圣的造物主独一无二的创造出来的，我们就可以确信我们的身份。我们没有理由觉得自己比旁边的人更好。为什么我们会那样想呢？上帝按着自己的设计和目的创造了这个人，而他创造那个人的目的和我们并不一样。这也把我们带入关乎霸凌的第二个因素。

The power differential is one person having advantage over the other. They may be older, stronger, more popular, more privileged, more intelligent, or have access to someone in a position of authority (they are married to the pastor or principal, or their mom is a teacher at the school). They use this advantage to bolster themselves. Parents and teachers, be aware that you inherently have power over children, as well, and should take note of how it is being used[1]能力差距指的是一个人比另一个人更有优势。他可能年纪更大，更强壮，更有名气，更有势力，或者跟一个有权柄的人有关系（他、她可能跟牧师或校长是夫妻，或者他、她的妈妈是学校的老师）。他会用这些优势来拔高自己。家长和老师们，请你们意识到从你们的孩子一出生，你就有管辖孩子的权力，但应该注意这些权力要如何使用。

Finally, the third component that defines bullying is how often it occurs. Bullying is on-going. A child pushing another child in line for the drinking fountain may not be bullying. However, if it is an on-going occurrence, there is a power differential and an underlying motive to bolster one’s identity. It has crossed the line from naughty and inconsiderate to bullying. 最后，定义霸凌的第三个因素是它的发生率。霸凌是不断进行的。当一个小孩在排队喝水时推另一个小孩可能不是霸凌。但是，如果这件事情经常发生，那么就存在一种能力上的差距和一个巩固个人身份的潜在动机。这已经越过了顽皮和不替别人着想的界限并到了霸凌的地步。

The Bible is filled with bullies. Among them: Goliath, Saul, and King Herod. But they aren’t the only ones! Think back to the very first family. Cain was jealous that God liked Abel’s gift more, and instead of taking time to understand why (Cain’s heart was not in it), he killed his brother out of jealousy (an identity issue was at the root). 圣经里有很多霸凌的人。其中包括：歌利亚、扫罗、和希律王。而且他们不是唯一的！想一想世界上最早的家庭。该隐因为上帝更喜爱亚伯的祭物而嫉妒亚伯。但他并没有思考为什么会这样（他根本对这个不感兴趣），而是出于嫉妒，杀了他的弟弟（身份的问题是其中一个根源）。

Scripture demonstrates that Jesus understood what it was like to be bullied. He was spit on, mocked, and people falsely accused him. Scripture also shows incidents of Jesus befriending those being bullied. Think of Zacchaeus. When others insinuated what a bad person Zacchaeus was, Jesus responded by inviting himself over to Zacchaeus’ home. “Hey, Zacchaeus, come on down from that tree. I’m having dinner with your family today” (Luke 19:1-10). When a woman was going to be stoned for adultery, Jesus suggested that he who was without sin should throw the first stone (John 8:7). 圣经也告诉我们耶稣被霸凌时是什么感受。人们朝他吐唾沫，嘲讽他，故意地谴责他。圣经也记载了耶稣与被霸凌的人成为朋友的事件。想一想撒该。当人们在私底下说撒该是多么坏的一个人，耶稣却打算去他家做客。“撒该，快下来！今天我必住在你家里”（路加福音19：1-10）。当一个女人将因为奸淫而被石头打死，上帝让一个认为自己没有罪的人站出来先打她。

It is evident from Scripture that bullying has been a problem since ancient days and it will continue to be a sinful, divisive problem this side of heaven. So how do we deal with it in a God-pleasing manner?从圣经中可以明显地看出，霸凌自古以来都是一个问题，并且将在这个世界上一直持续成为有罪的、分裂人际关系的问题。所以，我们该如何以神喜悦的方式来处理这个问题?

问题：

什么是霸凌？和开玩笑，或者刻薄的区别是什么？

2.举例说明霸凌的三个要素。

3.圣经是如何提到霸凌的或者上述具体的三个要素吗？

The Importance of Culture

文化的重要性

Taking our cue from Jesus, Christians, (Christ-followers) ought to create a culture of embracing those who have differences, whether they are weaknesses or strengths of a different kind. Sometimes we knowingly or unknowingly create a culture that honors those who are agile at sports but looks down upon someone with musical talent. Or we look up to the person with plenty of money to buy designer clothes but fail to value the person who buys their clothes at a thrift store. 根据从耶稣那里得到的启示，基督徒（基督的追随者）应该创造一种文化，包容各种不同类型的人，无论他们有哪类弱点或优势。有时我们有意或无意地创造了一种文化，看重那些在体育活动中身手矫健的人但看不起有音乐天赋的人。或者我们看重有钱买名牌衣服的人，却瞧不起在旧货商店买衣服的人。

The root meaning of the word culture stems from the thought of cultivating. Action is involved. Each person adds to the culture. If it is not done with thought and intent one may be left with habits and ideals that do not align with what God values. 文化（culture）一词的本义源于思想的培养（thought of cultivating.）。行为也参与其中。每个人都在文化的形成中有份。如果文化的形成中没有思想和意图，一个人可能会形成不符合上帝旨意的习惯和价值观。

Culture is a group of living relationships working toward a common goal. Schools and homes have their own unique cultures. Even individual classrooms within a school can have different cultures. To take an honest look and know and understand the culture you are creating in your home and with children in your sphere of influence, is an important and necessary step for anyone concerned about bullying. 文化是一群朝着共同目标努力的鲜活的人之间的关系。学校和家庭都有他们自己独特的文化。甚至学校里的每个教室也可以有不同的文化。坦诚观察、了解和理解在您影响范围内在家里与孩子之间的文化，对于任何关注霸凌的人来说，这是一个重要且必要的步骤。

A primary objective of this book is to assist in establishing an intentional culture of including others within classrooms and homes.本书的一个主要目标是在学校和家里帮助建立一种有意识地包容他人的文化。

问题：

为什么对于霸凌来说，创造一种包容的文化如此重要呢？

Changing Our Attitude and Heart

改变我们的态度和心灵

Much of bullying revolves around a person not being secure in their identity. We all need to become more concerned about building others up instead of inflating our own sense of superiority. 大部分霸凌行为都源于一个人对自己的身份缺乏安全感。我们都需要更加关心如何帮助他人而不是吹嘘我们自己的优越感。

The power of love is greater than the love of power.

爱的力量大于对力量的爱

Helping others identify who they are, what makes them special, and what makes them different from all the people around them is one way to help them to embrace others. Key to this understanding is realizing differences are a good thing! There is much about American culture that promotes the idea of fitting in. Marketing and advertisers insist that in order to fit in and be accepted one must purchase something, and it needs to be the ‘in’ thing. But each person is significant just the way they are. HE IS ENOUGH. SHE IS ENOUGH. We do not need to be or do anything to be accepted. Those who love us and who love our children or parents, love them for who they are—not for how they look, where they live, what clothes they wear, or what they are good at. 帮助他人认识他们是谁，是什么让他们与众不同，以及是什么让他们与他们周围的人不一样，是帮助人们去包容他人的一种方式。这种理解的关键是认识到差异是一件好事！美国文化中有很多提倡融入的观点。市场营销人员和广告商坚持认为，一个人要想融入社会并被别人接受，就必须购买某种东西，而且这种东西必须是流行的。但是每个人原本就是很重要的。他够好了。她够好了。我们不需要成为什么人或做什么事情以被接受。那些爱我们和爱我们的孩子或父母的人，那些人爱他们是因为他们是谁，而不是因为他们的长相、住在哪里、穿什么衣服，或者他们擅长什么。

As we observe people in the spotlight who seem to have the right look, job, and status, often it becomes apparent they are quite unhappy. We read about their escapades as they try to numb themselves with substances. Everyone wants to feel secure, significant, and accepted, and that happens within relationships—relationships with others and most importantly in the relationship to their Creator. We don’t want to be fooled by marketers and we certainly don’t want to perpetuate lies of needing to fit in with our children. Stuff can’t make us happy or content. Relationships and character cannot be bought. 当我们在聚光灯下观察那些看起来有着体面的长相、工作和地位的人时，经常会发现他们显然并不快乐。他们试图用物质麻木自己，我们读到过许多这样的劣迹行为。每个人都想让自己感觉很安全、很重要和被接受，这发生在与他人的关系中，最重要的是在与造物主的关系中。我们不想被营销人员所愚弄，我们当然不想继续撒谎，说需要融入我们的孩子。物质不能让我们快乐或满足。人际关系和性格是买不来的。

Chasing after things is an exercise in futility because we will only be content until the next thing comes along, and then the next and the next. John D. Rockefeller, one of the richest men ever, was once asked how much money was enough. He replied, “Just a little bit more.” Parents have the power to refuse to be part of this cycle of constantly craving more, and instead model for their children a value for relationships. 追逐事物是徒劳的，因为我们只会满足到下一个想要的事物出现，然后是下一个再下一个。约翰·D·洛克菲勒，有史以来最富有的人之一，曾经被问到多少钱就够了。他回答说：“再多一点。”父母有能力拒绝参与到这个不断渴望更多的循环中，而是为他们的孩子树立一个重视关系的榜样。

Helping youth understand that a sense of well-being comes from a trusting relationship with God and others helps children look for fulfillment in relationships instead of in possessions or titles. 帮助青少年了解幸福感来自与同上帝和其他人之间的可信赖的关系，可以让孩子们在人际关系中而不是在财产或头衔中寻找满足感。

Material things are a blessing, and they definitely can bring temporary happiness, but lasting joy and security do not come through things. They come through relationships. 物质的东西是一种祝福，它们肯定能带来暂时的快乐，但持久的快乐和安全感不是通过身外之物而来的。他们来自于关系。

When we know and are secure in who we are, we can appreciate who others are. We don’t all have to be alike. An important life lesson is learning to appreciate the differences among people. Thank God we aren’t all high strung! And thank God we aren’t all laid back. Thank God for the musicians and artists and writers. And thank God for those with athletic abilities, the thinkers, the problem solvers, and inventors. Parents, your children are watching. Teachers, your students notice how you talk about people who are different from you. Our young people notice when we put people down because we fail to see their value. 当我们知道了自己是谁并对之有安全感时，我们就能欣赏其他人。我们不必都是一样。一个重要的人生教训是学会欣赏人与人之间的差异。感谢上帝，我们并不都是敏感的人！感谢上帝，我们并不都是懒散的人。为音乐家、艺术家和作家感谢上帝。为那些有运动天份的人、思想家、问题解决者和发明家感谢上帝。父母们，你们的孩子在观察。老师们，你的学生会注意到你如何谈论与你不同的人。当我们因为没有看到一些人的价值而贬低他们的时候，我们的年轻人会注意到。

Your true identity is this: You are a redeemed child of God purchased by the blood of Jesus. When God looks at you, he sees you are righteous because of what Jesus did on your behalf. You are enough—just as you are, right now. 你的真实身份是这样的：你是被耶稣的宝血救赎的神的孩子。当上帝看着你时，因为耶稣为你所做的一切，他看你是公义的。你足够了——就像你现在这样。

King David explains in Psalm 139 that we are designed by a Creator who has a specific purpose in mind for us. “You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” God is a perfectionist. He makes each person just the way he wants them to be for His purposes! He gives the individual the traits, the qualities, the characteristics, the attributes that he wants them to have in order to serve His purposes. 大卫王在诗篇 139 中解释说，我们是由一位心里对我们有明确目的的造物主设计的。 “我在母腹中，你已覆庇我。我赞美你，因我受造奇妙可畏。”上帝是一个完美主义者。为了他的目的，他使每个人都成为他所希望的样子！他赐给每个人他希望他们拥有的特质、品质、特征和属性，以使他们服侍于他的目标。

Are you just like the people you interact with each day? Are you going to have the exact same abilities and qualities and traits and characteristics as the other members of your family? Absolutely not. You are unique. You have your own purpose, your own plan. 你和你每天交往的人一样吗？你拥有和家庭其他成员完全相同的能力、品质、特征和性格吗？绝对不会。你是独特的。你有你自己的目标，你自己的计划。

“There are various kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit” (Corinthians 12:4). “恩赐原有分别，圣灵却是一位”（哥林多前书 12：4）。

Children, too, are all uniquely gifted. Educators and parents can be key in helping young people see what their purpose is and value that we don’t all look or act alike. When children understand this, they can more readily embrace those who may read a little slower, dress a bit differently, or struggle with catching the football. 孩子们也都有独特的天赋。教育者和父母们的作用很关键，可以帮助年轻人看清他们的目标，善待那些外表或言行和我们不一样的人。当孩子们明白这一点时，他们会更容易接纳那些阅读速度稍慢、穿衣风格不同或接不住球的人。

“Furthermore, the body is not one member, but many. If the foot says, “Because I am not a hand, I am not part of the body,” it does not on that account cease to be part of the body. If the ear says, “Because I am not an eye, I am not part of the body,” it does not on that account cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But now God has arranged the members in the body, each and every one of them, as he desired. If they were all one member, where would the body be? But as it is, there are many members, yet one body” (I Corinthians 12: 14-20). “身子原不是一个肢体，乃是许多肢体。设若脚说:我不是手，所以不属乎身子；它不能因此就不属乎身子；设若耳说：我不是眼，所以不属乎身子；它也不能因此就不属乎身子。若全身是眼，从哪里听声呢？若全身是耳，从哪里闻味呢？但如今神随自己的意思把肢体俱各安排在身上了。若都是一个肢体，身子在哪里呢？但如今肢体是多的，身子却是一个。”（哥林多前书 12：14-20）。

When one person compares himself or herself to another, typically one of two things occurs: Either one person thinks he is better than the other person, or he thinks he is not as good as the other person. This can lead to discontent and envy. If an athlete tries to better his/her personal time on a run by comparing their current time to previous times, they are working to improve. That is good comparison. We are striving to better our personal best. Unfortunately, all too often Satan turns comparison into fuel for his fire. If we aren’t happy with our personal best and wish we had someone else’s personal best, we may despair. If our best is better than another’s, we may become prideful, and think, “My, aren’t I great?” 当一个人将自己与另一个人进行比较时，通常会发生以下两种情况之一：一个人认为他比另一个人好，或者他认为自己不如另一个人。这可能导致不满和嫉妒。如果运动员通过比较他们当前跑步的速度和以前的跑步速度来提高成绩，他们是在努力改进。这是很好的比较。那是我们在力求提高个人最好成绩。不幸的是，撒旦常常把比较变成他火种的燃料。如果我们对个人最好成绩不满意，并希望我们拥有别人的个人最好成绩，我们可能会绝望。如果我们最好的成绩比别人的更好，我们可能会变得骄傲，然后想：“我不是很棒吗？”

Advertisers subtly and covertly tell us we are not quite good enough. We’d be better if we purchased this product or attained a certain look. Adults must not fall for marketing and advertising lies. We need to be assuring our children and students often that they are good enough just the way God made them. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves and each other, too!

广告商巧妙而隐蔽地告诉我们，我们还不够好。如果我们购买这个产品或达到某个标准的外在，我们就能变得更好。成年人绝不能落入营销和广告谎言中。我们需要经常使我们的孩子和学生确信按照上帝创造他们的样子，他们已经足够好了。有时我们也需要这样提醒自己和彼此！

问题：

霸凌的原因是什么？

人安全感的来源是什么？我们的身份往往是建立在哪里呢？按照圣经，身份应该是建立在什么的基础上呢？

Law or Gospel

律法和福音

God gave us two precious gifts in the law and the gospel. Both are wonderful tools with very different purposes. The law is God’s commandments. They show us what He expects of us. The law serves three primary purposes. It acts as a mirror, curb, and guide. As a mirror, we look at our life in the reflection of the law to see our sins, and the way we’ve strayed. As a curb, the law keeps us in place. If we follow God’s commands, we won’t wander into trouble that comes with lawlessness. And as a guide the law shows us what to do, and how to stay on the right track.

律法和福音是上帝给我们的两个礼物。两者都是非常棒的工具，有着不同的用途。律法是上帝的诫命。这些诫命向我们显明上帝对我们的期望。律法有三个主要目的。它起着镜子、约束和向导的作用。作为镜子，我们在律法的映照下审视我们的生命，看见我们的罪，看见我们迷失的路。作为约束，律法使我们待在安全的位置。如果我们遵从上帝的命令，我们就不会陷入违反律法带来的麻烦。作为向导，律法告诉我们该做什么，以及如何保持在正确的轨道上。

None of us can keep the demands of the law. That’s why the gospel is the wonderful news that Jesus met all of the requirements we couldn’t. He kept the law perfectly and we all get credit as if we’d done it ourselves. That is indeed the Good News, or the gospel.

我们谁也不能遵守律法的要求。这就是为什么福音是个好消息，耶稣满足了所有那些我们不能达到的要求。他完美地遵守了律法，他的完美被算为是我们的，就好像我们自己做了一样。这确实是个好消息，也就是福音。

When considering the topic of bullying, does law or gospel come to mind first? Most people think of the law first: a list of things one should or should not do and the punishment or consequences for offending.

在考虑霸凌的话题时，我们想到的首先是律法还是福音？大多数人首先想到的是律法:列出一个人应该做或不应该做的事情以及违规的惩罚或后果。

The law exists to show the right way, and the wrong way. It’s there to guide; it’s there to curb as people start going off track. The purpose of the law is not to change hearts—that’s the job of the gospel— and bullying is really an issue of the heart- a heart that needs changing.

律法的存在是为了指明正确的道路和错误的道路。律法是用来指引我们的;当人们开始偏离轨道时，它是用来约束的。律法的目的不是去改变人的心——这是福音的工作——霸凌实际上是一个心灵的问题——一颗需要帮助和改变的心

In truth, we ought to be thinking of ways to incorporate the gospel when speaking of bullying since that is what transforms the heart. Scripture teaches that “the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Galatians 5:6). Establishing the foundation of expressing love in young people is an ongoing task. In I Thessalonians 5:11 God explains that we should “encourage one another and build each other up.” In our homes, churches and Christian schools, everyone is part of the family of believers. Therefore, our role is to build each other up and encourage each other.

事实上，当我们谈到霸凌的时候，我们应该考虑如何把福音融入进来，因为这是改变心灵的东西。圣经教导我们，“唯有那借着爱表达出来的信，才有用处。”（加拉太书5:6）在年轻人中建立和表达爱的基础是一项持续的任务。在帖撒罗尼迦前书 5:11里上帝解释我们应该“彼此劝慰，互相造就。”在我们的家庭、教会和基督教学校，每个人都是信徒家庭的一份子。因此，我们的作用是相互建立和鼓励。

问题：律法和福音是什么？如何在霸凌中使用律法和福音？可以举例说明。

Role of the Family

家庭的角色

God instituted family in Scripture, even before he instituted the church. So much of what goes on in raising healthy, happy, secure children who feel significant and accepted begins in the family. Research findings vacillate on this topic, but the latest research suggests that in the nature vs. nurture argument, both are equally important. About 51% of who we become is based on our environment (nurture) and about 49% is based on the biological DNA we receive from our biological parents (nature). (Polderman, Benyamin, de Leeuw, Sullivan, van Bochoven, Visscher, Posthuma; 2015).

甚至在上帝建立教会之前，他已经在圣经中建立了家庭。培养健康、快乐、有安全感、觉得自己重要、被接受的孩子，这些事情都始于家庭。在这个问题上，研究结果摇摆不定，但最新的研究表明，在先天与后天的争论中，两者同等重要。我们成为什么样的人，约51%是由环境(后天培养)决定的，约49%是由我们从亲生父母那里接收到的生物DNA(先天遗传)决定的。(波尔德曼、本雅明、德·利乌、沙利文、范·博乔文、维舍尔、波斯图马;2015)。

If environment, nurture, and what we’re surrounded with impacts so much, we want to provide a home where everyone, husband, wife and all the children, stepchildren, etc. feel loved, included, and accepted. A sense of belonging and safety is significant in the ability for children to grow into healthy, well-adjusted adults.

如果环境、教养和我们周围的东西影响这么大，我们想要提供这样一个家，让每个人，丈夫、妻子和所有的孩子、继子女等等都感觉到被爱，被包容，被接受。归属感和安全感对孩子成长为健康、适应力强的成年人的能力至关重要。

问题：家庭在霸凌中对孩子扮演的角色是什么？如何去做呢？

Peer Pressure

同辈压力

When we consider identity, we must also consider peer pressure. What did peer pressure feel like when you were young? Did it revolve around groups of friends, clothes, places you went (or didn’t go)? Did you feel pressure to “fit in,” to belong? Does that pressure differ for kids today? Are they pressured by the same things? They are, but with a strong new pressure. Technology is constantly changing, and it’s difficult to keep up and have the latest, coolest version of the most popular gadget. Technolust is the term when one can never quite seem to get enough of the latest and greatest technology.

当我们考虑身份的同时也需要考虑到同辈压力带给身份的影响。当你小的时候，同辈压力是什么感觉？它是不是来自于你的朋友群体，你的穿着，你去过的地方（或没去过的地方）呢？尝试融入一个群体对你来说有压力吗？这些压力有别于现在的孩子吗？他们也会因为同样的事情感受到压力吗？答案是肯定的。他们正在经历同辈所带来的压力，并且是强大的新的压力。科技正在飞速发展，大家很难跟进到最新最厉害最流行的东西。“科技狂”这个词就是用来形容一个着迷于最新最厉害最流行的科技的人。

Do you still experience peer pressure as an adult? Do you feel pressure to have the right car, the right house, the right clothes, the right gadgets, and appliances, to hang out with the right people? As adults we don’t call it peer pressure; we call it keeping up with the Joneses. Truth be told, peer pressure doesn’t go away. You felt it when you were a kid, your kids feel it now, and you feel it as an adult. Since it’s part of this society and culture, we want to find a positive way to deal with it. That way we can train our children and teach and equip them so they can face this pressure without letting the pressures of the world establish their true identity.

作为成年人你是不是也会有同辈带来的压力？要选择合适的车、合适的房子、合适的衣服、合适的小玩意和电器，要和合适的人一起玩，你会感到压力吗？成年人的这种压力不叫同辈压力，而是被称为攀比。这种同辈压力是不会消失的。你在小时候感受到了，你的孩子现在也感受到了，作为一个成年人你也感受到了。由于这种压力已经成为这个社会和文化中的一部分了所以我们要找到一个正确的应对方式。这样我们就可以训练我们的孩子，教育他们，装备他们，让他们能够面对这种压力，而不让世界的压力确立他们的真实身份。

Peer pressure is not necessarily negative. Christian friends can be a source of positive and good pressure. Their expectations and hopes for us can help us live up to our true potential. It’s important for children to develop friendships that will support and encourage positive beliefs and actions, because the people we spend time with will influence our thoughts and actions. I Corinthians 15:33 encourages us to choose wisely. “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”

同辈带来的压力不一定是负面的。基督徒朋友可以带来正面和良好的压力。他们对我们的期待和希望能帮助我们实现真正的潜能。对孩子来说，发展那种能支持和鼓励积极信念和行动的友谊是很重要的，因为我们花时间相处的那些人会影响我们的思想和行动。哥林多前书15:33鼓励我们明智地做出选择，“不要被欺骗了；“滥交朋友败坏品德。””

King Solomon, who was the wisest and one of the wealthiest people to ever live, proclaimed there is nothing new under the sun. Everything has been done. What comes around goes around. The challenges and struggles families face have challenged other families as well. Jesus was tempted in every way. Scripture talks on numerous occasions about his temptation, and we specifically see it in the book of Matthew. When faced with Satan’s temptations and lies, Jesus used God’s Word. Jesus said, “It is written…” If Jesus needed to use God’s Word to fight off these assaults, how much more do we need to do the same? We must equip ourselves and our children to be able to use God’s Word to fight off Satan’s assaults.

所罗门王是世上最有智慧、最富有的人之一。他说，日光之下并无新事。什么事都是已经发生过的，什么事都是循环往复的。一些家庭所面临的挑战和挣扎也是其他家庭所要面对的。耶稣在各个方面都受过试探，圣经中多次提到他遇到的试探，我们在马太福音中尤其能看到这一点。当面对撒旦的试探和谎言时，耶稣使用了神的话语，耶稣说，“经上记着说……”；如果耶稣需要用神的话语来击退这些攻击，那我们在面临相同处境时难道不是需要更多神的话语吗？我们必须装备我们自己和我们的孩子，使他们能够使用神的话语来击退撒旦的攻击。

The book of 1 Peter tells us that Satan works like a lion. Have you ever watched a TV show about lions? I love animals, and I would have been attached to the TV if we would have had 24/7 Animal Planet when I was a kid. Instead, one hour each week, on Sunday afternoons, we had Marlin Perkins’ Wild Kingdom sponsored by Mutual of Omaha. That’s how I learned how lions work. A lion doesn’t just jump into the middle of a flock or a herd and hope it comes up with something. It stalks. When it stalks, it stands around the edge in the tall grass, where it is perfectly camouflaged, and surveys the flock. It is looking for one animal separated from the rest of the flock. Maybe it’s the animal who is weak, or young, or just not paying attention and wandering off. Maybe it’s old, or can’t quite keep up, or it might be wounded. So the lion watches and waits until the member of the flock gets separated from the rest of the flock, and then the lion pounces. Scripture says that Satan “prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

彼得前书告诉我们撒旦的工作就像一头狮子。你看过关于狮子的电视节目吗？我喜欢动物，我还是孩子的时候，如果“动物星球频道”7天24小时不间断的播放节目，那我可能会一直盯着电视看。实际情况是每周日下午有一个小时的节目，由奥马哈互惠银行赞助播出马林·珀金斯的《荒野王国》，我就是在这个节目里知道狮子是如何捕猎的，一头狮子不会就那样跳进一群羊或一群牛中间，希望抓到什么东西；它会慢慢接近，在它接近的时候，它站在高草丛的边缘，在那里完美地伪装着，观察着羊群，它会寻找一只脱离群体的落单的动物，也许是这只动物很虚弱，或者很幼小，或者只是不注意而走远了，也许它老了，或者跟不上，或者它可能受伤了。所以狮子观察着，等待着，直到羊群中的那一只与羊群中的其他成员分开，然后狮子猛扑过去。圣经上说，撒旦“像咆哮的狮子四处游荡，寻找可吞吃的人” (彼得前书5:8)。

So many passages in Scripture talk unity in the body of Christ: telling us to build each other up, to encourage each other, to stand unified. Why did God tell us this in passage after passage after passage? God knows Satan is looking for those people who are getting separated from the flock. And when people get separated, they feel like nobody understands them, and that they are all alone and isolated. And that’s when Satan pounces. That’s why it’s so especially important that we don’t tear each other down, exclude people, or isolate people. Equally important is that we notice when others are drifting away or falling behind.

圣经中有很多经文都在谈论在基督身体里的合一，这些经文告诉我们要彼此建立，彼此鼓励，团结一致。为什么神在一段又一段的经文中告诉我们这些?神知道撒但正在寻找那些脱离教会群体的人。当人们与群体分离的时候，他们觉得没有人理解他们，觉得自己是孤独的、被孤立的。这时撒旦扑了过来。这就是为什么我们不贬低对方、排斥他人或孤立他人是如此重要。同样重要的是，我们要注意到别人什么时候走远了或者落在了后面。

We want our Christian culture to always build others up and encourage and unite the way Jesus did. We want to value each person’s unique gifts and understand it’s OK to be different. We want to be sure not to place more value on one gift than another, because each is useful in its own way.

我们希望我们的基督徒文化总是像耶稣那样建立、鼓励和联结他人。我们想要重视每个人的独特恩赐，并认识到与众不同是可以的。我们希望确保不要把某种恩赐的价值看的比另一种更高，因为每一种恩赐都有自己的用途。

When I was in Kenya, I watched a lioness hunting water buffalo. A mother and young water buffalo were on the outskirts of the herd and it looked like they might soon become the lioness’s lunch. But as the lioness approached, I witnessed a beautiful sight. The mother and baby started moving into the herd and five young bulls surrounded them as if to say, “Not on our watch!”

当我在肯尼亚的时候，我看到一只母狮子猎杀水牛。一头母水牛和一头小水牛在野牛群的外围，看起来它们很快就会成为母狮子的午餐。但当母狮靠近时，我看到了一幅美好的景象。母牛和小牛开始进入牛群中，五只年轻的公牛围住了它们，好像在对狮子说:“在我们的看护下不行!”

Think of the people in your life as a “flock” that Satan tries to tear apart and divide. Who might be feeling a little isolated from the rest of the flock? For children, it might be the slowest reader in class. When that certain kid starts reading other kids roll their eyes. It might be the clumsy boy who is teased by the other boys in gym class, or the awkward seventh grade girl who was the only girl in class not invited to the slumber party over the weekend. For adults, it might be the mother who seems disheveled. She always seems to be running late. It may be the man who walks into his son’s basketball games smelling like smoke. It may be the principal who no one wants to befriend. Look at how isolation occurs. What can you do to make a difference in that person’s life? How can we surround the weak and make sure they aren’t prey for Satan?

想一想在你的生活中，哪些人是撒旦试图从羊群中撕裂和分离的？谁可能会觉得有点被羊群孤立了？对于孩子们来说，可能是班上那些阅读速度最慢的。当某个孩子开始阅读时，其他孩子就会翻白眼。可能是体育课上被其他男生嘲笑的笨拙男生，或者是七年级唯一没有被邀请参加周末睡衣派对的尴尬女生。对于成人来说，可能是某位衣冠不整的妈妈，她似乎总是迟到；也许是一个男人来观看儿子的篮球比赛，浑身散发着烟味；也许是一位校长，没人愿意和他交朋友。看看这种孤立是如何发生的，你能做些什么来改变那个人的生命?我们如何拥抱弱者，确保他们不会成为撒旦的猎物？

Identity Development

身份的发展

Identity is important. If we have a strong sense of who we are we don’t feel the need to knock others down to build ourselves up. But how do we develop identity? Psychologist Erik Erikson’s theory of identity development is highly regarded and suggests that as we age, we go through stages. As we move through a stage, we become comfortable, and then we run into a “crisis”—something that forces us to move out of our comfort zone. And as we move out of our comfort zone, we transition into a new stage.

身份认同是很重要的。如果我们对自己是谁有一种强烈的认同感，我们就不会觉得有必要通过贬低别人来提升自己。但是我们如何发展身份认同呢?心理学家埃里克·埃里克森的同一性发展理论备受推崇，他认为，随着年龄的增长，我们会经历不同的阶段。当我们通过一个阶段，我们变得舒适，然后我们陷入一个“危机”，迫使我们离开我们的舒适区。当我们走出舒适区，我们进入了一个新的阶段。

Think of a toddler learning to walk. At first he carefully pulls himself up on furniture and carefully walks along, holding onto the furniture or Mom’s or Dad’s hand, often teetering, falling, and getting back up. Eventually, he takes a few steps away from the support that is holding him, and then he turns back to the support. In time he gets more and more comfortable. He passed through the discomfort of learning to walk.

想想一个刚学会走路的小孩。起初，他小心翼翼地靠在家具上爬起来，然后小心翼翼地走着，抓住家具或妈妈或爸爸的手，经常摇摇晃晃，摔倒，然后又爬起来。最后，他离开支撑着他的东西几步远，然后转身回到支撑着他的东西。随着时间的推移，他会越来越舒服。他经历了学走路的不适感。

We can learn a wonderful life lesson from toddlers. Most good things lie on the other side of discomfort. When toddlers are learning to walk, they will fall down—many times. When they fall for the 28th time, they don’t remain on the ground and think, I don’t think walking is for me. No, they continue to get back up. This is a perfect picture of resilience for us. When we face challenging situations, we need to keep getting back up, and eventually

we adapt, and the thing becomes less difficult.

我们可以从蹒跚学步的孩子身上学到精彩的人生一课。大多数美好的事物总是在不舒服的另一面。学步的孩子在学走路时，他们会摔倒很多次。当他们第28次摔倒时，他们不会留在地上并想，“我认为走路不适合我”。不，他们还在继续爬起来。这是我们韧性的完美写照。当我们面对挑战时，我们需要不断地振作起来，最终我们适应了，事情变得不那么困难了。

According to Erikson’s theory, when children are 5-8 years old, there are two sets of people they really want to be like: their parents and their teacher. If their mom really likes a certain color, they do, too. If their dad has a favorite sports team, that team is their favorite, as well. If their teacher likes a certain food, they do, too. But eventually, as they approach the ages of 8, 9, and 10, they begin to realize that although their mom’s favorite color is red, they really like blue better. They start to realize that although they are somewhat like their parents and teacher, they are not exactly alike. So they begin looking to their friends to see who they are. If their friend really likes horses, then so do they. If their friend really likes basketball, so do they. This goes into full force throughout the middle school years when children try on different types of identities to see what fits. They often do this through their friendships and the people they are spending time with.

根据埃里克森的理论，孩子在5-8岁时，他们真正想成为的是两种人:父母和老师。如果他们的妈妈真的喜欢某种颜色，他们也会喜欢。如果他们的爸爸有最喜欢的运动队，那这个队也是他们最喜欢的。如果他们的老师喜欢某种食物，他们也会喜欢。但最终，当他们接近8、9、10岁时，他们开始意识到，尽管妈妈最喜欢的颜色是红色，但他们其实更喜欢蓝色。他们开始意识到，虽然他们有点像他们的父母和老师，但他们并不完全一样。所以他们开始从朋友身上寻找自己是谁。如果他们的朋友真的喜欢马，他们也会喜欢。如果他们的朋友真的喜欢篮球，他们也喜欢。当孩子们在中学阶段尝试不同类型的身份，看看哪一种最适合自己的时候，这种做法是完全有效的。他们经常通过他们的友谊和与他们共度时光的人来做到这一点。

But then as they enter high school things change. They may have always thought basketball was going to be their life and they would play in the NBA, until their best friend makes the basketball team, but they are cut. They realize that although they like basketball, it may no longer be a primary part of their identity. Ideally, instead of despairing, this should lead them to begin exploring their own gifts and what they are innately good at. They should try different things and explore to see what they enjoy. This exploration really begins to pick up as they approach the ages of 17, 18, and 19.

但当他们进入高中时，情况发生了变化。他们可能一直认为篮球将是他们的生活，他们会在NBA打球，直到他们最好的朋友进入篮球队，但他们被淘汰了。他们意识到，尽管他们喜欢篮球，但篮球可能不再是他们身份的主要组成部分。理想情况下，他们应该开始探索自己的天赋和天生擅长的东西，而不是绝望。他们应该尝试不同的东西，探索自己喜欢的东西。当他们接近17、18、19岁时，这种探索才真正开始。

To see an example of these stages of development, think back to the last children’s Christmas Eve service that you attended. Which group of kids was singing with vigor, excited and happy to be there? It’s the little kids whose identity is attached to their mom or dad or teacher. If you want to be like your mom, or your dad, or your teacher, you really want to please them.

要看这些发展阶段的例子，回想一下你上次参加的儿童平安夜仪式。是哪一组孩子在那里充满活力、兴奋和快乐地唱歌?是那些小孩子，他们的身份依附于他们的妈妈、爸爸或老师。如果你想成为你的妈妈、爸爸或老师那样的人，你就会真的想取悦他们。

Around fourth grade, during practice for the service kids look around a bit. They wonder, Is Jackson singing? Because he’s kind of cool, and if he’s singing, then I should probably be singing. But if he’s not singing, then well…their identity is less about Mom and Dad, and more established through friendships. It’s a normal part of identity development. You went through it, kids are going through it now, and it turns out all right in the end. It just means there are some uncomfortable stages that all children pass through in figuring out who they are and who God designed them to be.

大约四年级的时候，在练习服事的时候，孩子们会更多的环顾四周。他们在想，杰克逊在唱歌吗?因为他挺酷的，如果他在唱歌，那我也应该唱。但如果他不唱歌，那么，好吧，他们的身份不是关于父母，而是通过友谊建立起来的。这是身份发展的正常部分。你经历过，现在的孩子也经历过，最后一切都好。这只是意味着，所有的孩子都要经历一些不舒服的阶段，才能弄清楚自己是谁，上帝把他们设计成什么样。

Helping kids figure out how they are gifted is one of the primary things we can do to help young people during their teenage years. During this stage of their identity development, they are trying to figure out who they are and what they are good at. We can expose them to a variety of things, with no pressure, just to see what might interest them. For example, take a photography course, try out for the musical, get involved in forensics or athletics, volunteer at a nursing home or animal shelter, or work at a day care or an auto body shop. Let kids explore and discover what they enjoy. Let them find out what comes naturally for them that may not be so easy for the people around them. This is the perfect time to explore what gifts God has given them, and how they can use those gifts to serve those around them. When we explore this, we are on our way to feeling a sense of God-given purpose.

帮助孩子了解他们的天赋是我们在青少年时期能够帮助他们的主要事情之一。在他们身份发展的这个阶段，他们试图弄清楚他们是谁，他们擅长什么。我们可以让他们接触各种各样的东西，没有任何压力，只是为了看看他们可能感兴趣的是什么。例如，参加摄影课程，尝试音乐剧，参与法医或体育活动，在疗养院或动物收容所做志愿者，或在日托中心或汽车修理厂工作。让孩子探索和发现他们喜欢的东西。让他们发现，那些对他们来说是自然而然的事情，而对他们周围的人来说可能不是那么容易。这是一个完美的时间去探索上帝给了他们什么礼物，以及他们如何使用这些礼物去服务他们周围的人。当我们探索这一点时，我们就在感受上帝赋予的目标的路上。

God has uniquely gifted each person. We just unwrap those gifts at different times in life. Exposing people to opportunities uncovers and discovers their giftedness. For some, the gift is so valuable but not so easy to see. For example, someone may be high in empathy and compassion. He or she may never be a great artist, or lead a company, but wow…what an incredible gift to have! How can we help them see this, because the people around them aren’t necessarily congratulating them or placing the same value on it as they do the person who has the lead in the musical? When you see positives in people, point them out. Make them aware that you see those positives and appreciate them.

上帝赋予每个人独一无二的恩赐。我们只是在人生的不同时期打开那些恩赐而已。让人们接触到机会可以发现他们的恩赐。对一些人来说，恩赐是如此珍贵，但却不那么容易看到。例如，某人可能有很高的同理心和同情心，他或她可能永远不会成为一个伟大的艺术家，或领导一家公司，但是，这是多么不可思议的恩赐啊!我们如何帮助他们认识到这一点，因为他们周围的人不一定会祝贺他们，也不会像对待音乐剧的主角那样重视他们。当你看到别人的优点时，指出来。让他们意识到你看到了积极的一面，并欣赏他们。

If we don’t get the concept of having our identity in Christ as a teen, we may still be looking for it as an adult. Unfortunately, we may turn to all the wrong places. We may look up to the funny mom on social media; or try to copy the celebrity who seems to have his/her life all together. We may look to the world or social media for purpose. This sets us up for despair (I’m not as funny, I don’t have as many followers, how come I can’t get my hair to look that way, or lose those pounds, etc.) or status (I am funny, do know how to keep a house, etc.) Despair could set us up to be a target. Status may prime us to be a bully. That is why it is so important to understand the concept of identity. Knowing and understanding you are a redeemed child of God, perfectly suited for the purposes God prepared for you, and believing the same about those who share your life, will stifle the desire to bully and/or keep you from feeling worth less when a bully makes you a target. This simple but profound concept strips Satan of one of his key tools to torment.

如果我们在青少年时期没有意识到自己在基督里的身份，那么我们成年后可能仍在寻找。不幸的是，我们可能会转向错误的地方。我们可能会在社交媒体上崇拜有趣的妈妈，或者试着模仿那些生活似乎过得很好的名人。为了达到目的，我们可能会关注世界或社交媒体，这让我们陷入绝望(我没有那么有趣，我没有那么多粉丝，为什么我不能把我的头发弄的看起来像那样，或减肥，等等)或地位(我很有趣，知道如何打理房子，等等)。绝望会让我们努力成为某个目标，地位可能会让我们成为一个恶霸。这就是为什么理解身份的概念是如此重要。知道和理解你是神救赎的孩子，完全适合神为你准备的目的，相信和你一起生活的人也是这样，会抑制欺负别人的欲望，或者当欺负人的人把你当成目标时，让你不觉得自己的价值降低。这个简单而深刻的概念剥夺了撒旦折磨人的一个关键工具。

I am a firm believer that whoever tells the stories creates the culture. We need to make certain that as we are influenced by friends, media, and social media, we are sharing the stories we believe are important to identity development. We need to share God’s Word. We need to get the message out that no one is perfect. We are all enough, just the way we are. We are unconditionally loved. There is nothing we can do to make God love us more, and there is nothing we can do to make Him love us less.

我坚信，讲故事的人创造文化。我们需要确定，当我们受到朋友、媒体和社交媒体的影响时，我们正在分享我们认为对身份发展很重要的故事。我们需要分享神的话语。我们需要让大家知道，人无完人。我们这样就够了。我们被无条件地爱着。我们不能做什么使神更爱我们，也不能做什么使神不爱我们。

The Triumvirate of Bullying

霸凌的三方

components in the bullying phenomenon. When bullying occurs, you typically have one person who is the bully, one who is the target, and one or more who are the bystanders. Let’s discuss each of these components in more detail.

欺凌的核心问题是源于身份的认同。一个人如果没有得到安全感，没有被接纳，被认可。他们通常会以牺牲他人为代价，去寻找办法来弥补自己的信心。当霸凌发生时要弄清楚如何解决和处理它可能会很困难。霸凌是由三个部分组成，一个是霸凌者，一个是目标，另一个就是一个或多个是旁观者。让我们来更详细的讨论一下每个部分。

It’s crucial we don’t label people. At any given time, depending on their situation, a person could be the bully, the bystander, or the target. Taking on one role in a given situation doesn’t mean you won’t have a different role in a different situation.

不去给人贴标签是很重要的。在任何处境里，都会出现一位霸凌者，旁观者，和目标。在一个处境扮演一个角色不代表你不会在另一种处境下展现另一种角色。

For example, Amy is picking on Mike, and Ken is watching. Amy is the one bullying, Mike is the target, and Ken is the bystander. Ken, the bystander, feels really uncomfortable. But Ken is concerned that if he steps in and defends Mike, he might become the target. So as uncomfortable as he is, and as much as he hates this situation, he thinks, Sorry, Mike. Better you than me. That’s oftentimes what young people feel. Jesus models a different response. When somebody’s being picked on, we defend them, build them up, and befriend them.

举个例子，艾米正在欺负麦克，肯却在一旁看着。艾米是霸凌者，麦克是目标，而肯是旁观者。旁观者肯会觉得很不舒服。但是他害怕如果他介入去帮助麦克，他自己可能也会变成目标。所以尽管他很不舒服，尽管他很讨厌这种情况，他还是会想，对不起，迈克。你总比我好。通常年轻人会有这种感受。而耶稣做出了不同的反应。当有人被欺负时，我们会保护他们，鼓励他们，并和他们成为好朋友。

Secular research shows that if bystanders refuse to be there, refuse to be a part of the bullying just by their presence and remove themselves from the situation, typically, the bullying will stop in a noticeably short amount of time. For example, if Ken walks away, Amy decides in about a minute’s time: I’m just not having much fun

anymore. And she’ll stop. Why? Without a bystander, there is no audience, and she wants to make herself feel better. In order to do that she needs to have somebody else observing.

现实世界的研究表明，如果旁观者拒绝出现在那里，拒绝成为欺凌的一部分，只是因为他们的存在，并将自己从情境中移除，通常情况下，欺凌会在很短的时间内停止。比如如果肯走开了，艾米会在大约一分钟的时间内决定: 我只是觉得现在已经没意思了。然后她会停止。为什么？没有一个旁观者，就不会有观众，她想了让自己感觉好一点。为了达到这个，她需要别人来看。

Just to reiterate, it’s is crucial for us to understand within the triumvirate of bullying that any person can be any part of this circumstance, and the roles may switch. In another situation, Ken might be picking on Mike, and Amy is the bystander.

重申一下，对于我们来说，重要的是要理解在霸凌中的三个部分，任何人都可能成为这种情况的任何一个部分，而且角色可能会转换。在另一种情况下，肯可能会欺负麦克，而艾米可能是旁观者。

We need to understand how the brain works when experiencing conflict, so we are well equipped to respond when pressured to be a part of the triumvirate.

我们需要明白在经历冲突的时候我们的大脑是如何运转的，因此，当我们被迫成为这三个部分的其中之一时，我们已经做好了应对的准备。

How the Brain Reacts to Conflict

大脑如何应对冲突

When the brain feels threatened it goes into survival mode. The part of the brain called the amygdala looks like two little almonds (amygdala means “almond”), and it is responsible for the fight-flight-freeze response. When you feel threatened, this part of your brain jumps into action. It causes blood to flow to your lungs, arms, and legs so that you are able to run and fight. This is a good thing. When we step off a curb and suddenly see a car coming at us, we need to be able to react quickly. The stress response that fires up the amygdala is a survival mechanism.

当大脑感觉受到威胁时，它会进入到生存模式。大脑中被称为杏仁核的部分看起来像两个小杏仁（英语里杏仁核的意思就是“杏仁”），它负责战斗、逃跑和停止移动的反应。当你感到受威胁时，大脑的这一部分就会行动。它会使血液流向你的肺部和四肢，这样你才可以奔跑或战斗。这是件好事。当我们走下人行道，然后突然看到一辆汽车向我们驶来时，我们需要很快地做出反应。这种刺激杏仁核的应激反应是一种生存机制。

Your brain changes every day. We call this neuroplasticity, which is simply the ability for the brain to adapt. The brain that you go to sleep with tonight will not be the same brain that you wake up with tomorrow morning. You’ll grow new neural pathways, based upon the experiences that you have and the meaning you make of things as you move throughout your day.

你的大脑每天都在变化。我们称之为神经可塑性，也就是大脑的适应能力。你今晚睡觉时的大脑将和你明天早上起床时的大脑不一样。在你度过这一天的时候，基于你拥有的经验和对事物的理解，你会生长出新的神经通路。

The area of the brain right behind your forehead is called the prefrontal cortex (PFC), which is the part of your brain responsible for insights, decision-making, reason, judgment, and critical thinking skills. The prefrontal cortex is the final part of your brain to fully develop. Most people are about 25 or 26 when their prefrontal cortex becomes fully developed. The prefrontal cortex is like a muscle. The more we use it, the more quickly it develops.

额头后面的区域叫做前额皮层（PFC），它是大脑中负责洞察、决策、判断和批判性思考的部分。前额皮层是大脑中完全发育的最后一部分。大多人在25、26岁的时候，前额皮层会发育完全。前额皮层就像是一块肌肉。使用的越多，发育的就越快。

what they are doing, the PFC becomes more fully wired. When we give them two acceptable choices, and allow them to pick the one they want and then live with the consequence of their choice, their PFC becomes stronger.

由于我们是通过使用来“开发”前额皮层，帮助孩子们思考他们行为的后果会帮助他们发展前额皮层。当我们帮助他们看到当我们帮助他们了解如果他们继续这样做会发生什么的时候，他们的前额皮层就会变得更加完整。我们给他们两个可以接受的选择，允许他们选择他们想要的，然后生活在他们的选择的后果中，他们的前额皮层就会变得更强。

The prefrontal cortex is what allows us to think clearly. However, when we are in a stressful situation or experiencing conflict, our brain changes the way it works to “survive.” When you are not in conflict, your welldeveloped PFC is able to think clearly. But when you experience conflict, your amygdala fires up and the energy that used to go to your PFC to help you think clearly is now devoted to your survival mode. Your lungs expand so you can run; blood flows to your arms and legs so you can run or fight. And you end up being reactive instead of proactive.

前额皮层能让我们清晰地思考。然而，当我们处于压力状态或经历冲突时，大脑会切换到“生存”的工作方式。当你不处于冲突中的时候，你发达的前额皮层就可以清晰地思考。但是当冲突发生时，你的杏仁核会活跃起来，原本前额皮层用来清晰地思考的能量会用于你的生存模式中。你的肺部会扩张，这样就可以奔跑；血液会流向你的四肢，这样你才可以奔跑或者战斗。最终，你会变成被动的，而不是主动的。

Think of a time you were in a disagreement, walked away, and two or three minutes later thought of the perfect comeback. Why didn’t you think of that two minutes ago when you needed it? When you became angry, anxious, upset, or nervous, the part of your brain where clear thinking happens, your prefrontal cortex, started to shut down as your amygdala fired up. The amygdala and the PFC cannot both operate well at the same time. One works well at the expense of the other. Your amygdala is triggered by stress hormones that keep telling you, “Stay alive. I’ve got to stay alive.” So when you’re in a disagreement with somebody, your prefrontal cortex shuts down, your amygdala kicks in, you freeze, and you can’t think of what you want to say. When you walk away, after a few minutes, you begin breathing regularly (we often hold our breath when we’re upset). As you breathe you calm down and your blood pressure settles down, and as you relax, your PFC begins processing information again. As it cycles back through the conversation, it lands on the perfect comeback.

回想一下，当你和其他人有分歧，你走开了，两三分钟之后你想到了一个很好的反驳。为什么你没有在两分钟之前，你最需要的时候想到？当你生气、焦虑、不安或紧张时，杏仁核会活跃起来，而大脑中可以清晰思考的部分——前额皮层，就会停止工作。杏仁核和前额皮层不能同时正常工作。必须要牺牲一个，另一个才可以正常工作。那些时刻告诉你：“活下去，我必须活下去”的应激激素会触发你的杏仁核。当你和其他人之间出现分歧的时候，你的前额皮层会停止工作，而你的杏仁核会发挥作用，你会僵住，不知道自己想说什么。当你离开时，几分钟后，你开始有规律地呼吸了（我们通常会在不安的时候屏住呼吸）。当你呼吸的时候，你平静下来，血压也稳定下来，并且当你放松时，你的前额皮层也会重新开始处理信息。当它返回到对话当中，你就可以很好地反驳了。

The moral of the story is this: we don’t think well when we are frightened, upset, or angry. We don’t make good decisions at these times. Therefore, we want to teach children, and it’s important for us, too, to have a plan in place so we and they react from a well-thought-out plan, instead of reacting in anger and saying or doing something that gets us into trouble.

这个故事的寓意是：当我们害怕、不安或生气时，我们不会好好思考。我们不能在这这些时候做出正确的决定。因此，我们想要教导我们的孩子，这同样对我们也很重要，制定一个计划，这样我们才能根据我们深思熟虑的计划做出反应，而不是做出愤怒地反应或者做出一些让我们陷入麻烦的事情。

It’s important to think through possible scenarios and develop a plan for how to handle those situations while calm thinking clearly. People who work with life-and-death situations on a daily basis—firefighters, emergency room doctors and nurses, police officers, EMTs—they all have a clear plan, a protocol that they practice over and over so that it becomes an automatic response when they are in an emergency situation.

当你可以平静、清晰地思考的时候仔细考虑可能的情况并制定如何处理这些情况的计划很重要。那些每天在生死攸关的情况下工作的人——消防员、急诊室医生、护士、警察、急救员——他们都有一个清晰的计划，一个反复练习的计划，这样他们遇到紧急情况的时候就能自动地做出反应。

I have a dear friend who retired from law enforcement. Throughout his career, he worked as a patrol officer, detective, in the vice squad and finally undercover narcotics. He even served in a tactical, or SWAT, unit. He mentioned that being on the SWAT team was much safer than being a patrol officer. As a patrol officer, there were unlimited scenarios that could happen each time he walked up to a car pulled over on the side of the road. The car he was walking up to could be driven by a grandmother getting her first speeding ticket, or a wanted felon with a gun in his lap. He had to be ready all day, every day, for any given situation, which is nearly impossible.

我有一个从执法部门退休的好朋友。在他的职业生涯中他当过巡警、警探、在刑警队，最后是一个缉毒的卧底。他甚至在战术，或者说特警部队服过役。他说当特警比当巡警安全多了。作为一名巡警，每次当他走向一辆停在路边的汽车时，就会有无限种可能会发生的情况。他走向的那辆车可能是一位第一次拿到超速罚单的奶奶开的，也有可能是一个腿上放着枪的通缉犯开的。他必须一整天，每一天，为任何可能会遇到的情况做准备，这几乎是不可能的。

But as a member of a SWAT team, he had the time and resources to practice all different kinds of intense scenarios. It was a highly trained team, and each member knew their specific role. When they were called out to a situation, they knew it was going to be intense, and they needed to be at their best. The team had a plan in place, and each person executed their part. They didn’t have to think on their feet because they had a protocol.

但作为特警队的一员，他有时间和资源来练习和准备如何应对各种激烈的情况。那是一个训练有素的团队，每一个队员都知道自己具体的角色。当他们被叫去一种情况的时候，他们知道会很激烈，并且他们必须要处于自己最佳的状态。他们的队伍有一个准备好的计划，每个队员去执行自己的那部分。他们不需要独立思考，因为他们已经有一个协议了。

We want to have a protocol, and we want to teach children to have a protocol. When challenging situations arise, what are you going to do? How will you react? Think through these scenarios while calm, while your PFC is working clearly, so that when you find yourself in a stressful situation, you have a protocol and a plan for when you are a target or a bystander.

我们想有一个计划，我们也想教孩子要有一个计划。当你遇到挑战的时候，你会怎么做？你会作何反应？当你的前额皮层可以清晰地工作的时候，冷静地思考一下这些场景，这样当你发现自己处于应激状态的时候，你就有一个协议和计划，无论你是目标或是旁观者。

This is an important task to do with all children, but especially with teens, and not just in the realm of bullying. I am a former high school English teacher and girls’ high school varsity soccer coach. Drinking alcohol was against the law, and our school policy also stated that if a player was at a party with alcohol, they were off the team. I used to tell my soccer team this: when you’re at the party and the booze comes out, that’s a training rule violation because you’re guilty by association according to our training rules. So, decide in advance what you are going to do. Peer pressure may make it difficult for you to leave the party. Make a pact with your teammates that when something is happening that shouldn’t be happening, you will have a plan to leave together. You don’t want to have to try and think clearly and figure it out when you are anxious or nervous and your mind is not thinking clearly.

这对所有的孩子来说都是一项重要的任务，尤其是青少年，而且不只是欺凌的领域里。我曾经是一名高中英语老师和女子高中足球队教练。喝酒是违法的，我们学校的政策还规定，如果一个球员在派对上喝酒，他们就会被踢出球队。我曾经对我的足球队说过：当你在派对上喝了酒，那就是违反训练规则，因为根据我们的训练规则，你是有罪的。所以，提前决定你要做什么。来自同辈的压力可能让你很难离开派对。和你的队友做个约定，当不该发生的事情发生时，你们会计划一起离开。你焦虑或紧张，思维不清晰时，你不会想要尝试清晰地思考并弄清楚。

Parents, help your teenage sons and daughters to think through how they are going to end their dates. The date is coming to an end, and all kinds of things are going on in their body, and all kinds of things are going on in their brain, but usually thinking clearly is not one of them. So how are they going to plan in advance? When the stressful situation comes up, have a thought out plan they can turn to instead of being left with hormones and

feelings alone to determine their actions.

家长们，帮助你们十几岁的儿子和女儿思考他们将如何结束他们的约会。当约会快要结束的时候，各种各样的事情在他们的身体、大脑里发生着，但通常清晰地思考不是其中之一。那么他们要如何提前计划呢？当有压力的情况出现时，有一个深思熟虑的计划，他们可以转向，而不是让荷尔蒙和感觉独自决定他们的行动。

Parents and teachers, when you have that colleague at work who pushes your buttons, what is your plan? Think through it in advance while your mind is clear. Come up with a plan that you can initiate in the moment.

家长们，老师们，当你的同事在工作中激怒你时，你的计划是什么?提前在你头脑清醒的时候想清楚。想出一个你可以立即开始行动的计划。

The same concept holds true for our young people who are in the middle of the triumvirate of bullying. What are they going to do? How are they going to handle it? Plan now. As a parent, when something happens to your child, or when you find out that your child is picking on another child, what will you do? When you find out that your child is being bullied, what are your options? When you find out that your child is watching other kids being ridiculed and made to feel small and they’re not stepping in and defending, how are you going to handle it? Develop a protocol to follow that will allow you to be clear, thoughtful, and intentional in the moment.

同样的概念也适用于那些处于霸凌的三方中的年轻人。他们要做什么？他们将如何处理？现在计划。作为父母，当有些事情发生在你孩子身上的时候，或者当你发现你的孩子在欺负另一个孩子的时候，你会怎么做？当你发现你的孩子被别人欺负的时候，你有什么选择？当你发现你的孩子在看着其他孩子被嘲笑、贬低，而他们却不站出来自卫，为自己做辩护，你会怎么处理呢？制定一个你会遵循的计划，这会让你在那个时候保持清晰、细心和有意识。

Identity Development

身份的发展

We can learn a wonderful life lesson from toddlers. Most good things lie on the other side of discomfort. When toddlers are learning to walk, they will fall down—many times. When they fall for the 28th time, they don’t remain on the ground and think, I don’t think walking is for me. No, they continue to get back up. This is a perfect picture of resilience for us. When we face challenging situations, we need to keep getting back up, and eventually we adapt, and the thing becomes less difficult.

Around fourth grade, during practice for the service kids look around a bit. They wonder, Is Jackson singing? Because he’s kind of cool, and if he’s singing, then I should probably be singing. But if he’s not singing, then well…their identity is less about Mom and Dad, and more established through friendships. It’s a normal part of identity development. You went through it, kids are going through it now, and it turns out all right in the end. It just means there are some uncomfortable stages that all children pass through in figuring out who they are and who God designed them to be.

The Triumvirate of Bullying

霸凌的三方

The core issue of bullying is rooted in identity. A person who doesn’t feel secure, significant, and accepted may look for ways to build themself up. That often comes at the expense of another. It can be complex to figure out how to resolve and handle bullying when it occurs. The triumvirate of bullying suggests that there are three components in the bullying phenomenon. When bullying occurs, you typically have one person who is the bully, one who is the target, and one or more who are the bystanders. Let’s discuss each of these components in more detail.

anymore. And she’ll stop. Why? Without a bystander, there is no audience, and she wants to make herself feel better. In order to do that she needs to have somebody else observing.

We need to understand how the brain works when experiencing conflict, so we are well equipped to respond when pressured to be a part of the triumvirate.

我们需要明白在经历冲突的时候我们的大脑是如何运转的，因此，当我们被迫成为这三个部分的其中之一时，我们已经做好了应对的准备。

How the Brain Reacts to Conflict

大脑如何应对冲突

Since we develop the prefrontal cortex by using it, helping kids think through the consequences of their actions results in helping them develop their PFC. When we help them see what will happen if they continue doing what they are doing, the PFC becomes more fully wired. When we give them two acceptable choices, and allow them to pick the one they want and then live with the consequence of their choice, their PFC becomes stronger.

The prefrontal cortex is what allows us to think clearly. However, when we are in a stressful situation or experiencing conflict, our brain changes the way it works to “survive.” When you are not in conflict, your well developed PFC is able to think clearly. But when you experience conflict, your amygdala fires up and the energy that used to go to your PFC to help you think clearly is now devoted to your survival mode. Your lungs expand so you can run; blood flows to your arms and legs so you can run or fight. And you end up being reactive instead of proactive.

家长们，老师们，当你的同事在工作中激怒你时，你的计划是什么?提前在你头脑清醒的时候想清楚。想出一个你可以立即开始行动的计划。

Empowering Each Role in the Triumvirate

赋予霸凌中三方每一方能力

Everyone needs to be taught about the three different aspects of the triumvirate, so he/she is equipped to know how to respond if he/she becomes part of one of the three components. Everyone will face this at some time. As adults we still experience the triumvirate of bullying and need to be aware of our own interactions with others as well as coping strategies.

每个人都需要学习霸凌中三方的每个不同方面，因此如果他/她成为三方中的任一方，他/她就知道如何回应。每个人都会在某个时候面对这个问题。作为成年人，我们仍然经历霸凌的三方，需要意识到自己与他人的互动以及应对策略。

Empowering the Bystander

赋予旁观者能力

The bystander is probably the simplest person to empower, so we will begin there. We want to be, and then teach others, to be strong enough in our identity as children of God to stand up for, defend, and protect those who are targets. We want to confidently tell someone who is bullying, “Hey, this just isn’t cool. This isn’t how we treat people.”

旁观者可能是最容易赋予力量的人，所以我们将从那里开始。无论是我们自己，还是我们教导他人，我们在作为上帝儿女的身份中足够强大，我们足以站起来捍卫和保护那些成为霸凌目标的人。我们想自信地告诉欺凌者，”嘿，这并不酷。这不是我们对待人的方式。

Unfortunately, adults aren’t always the best examples. Even when adults see and know things are going on that we don’t agree with, even when we know we should get involved, intimidation and fear often keep us from doing what we know we should do. Ideally we step in and stop the bullying even if it takes courage. We need to mentally prepare to act so we can teach our children this skill and equip them for this challenging situation. If they feel weak and unable to defend, they need to do the next best thing: walk away and report the incident. Refusing to be a part of the triumvirate is a powerful way to disarm the bully. Secular research says that bullying usually ends pretty quickly after that.

不幸的是，成年人并不总是最好的例子。即使成年人看到并知道正在发生我们不同意的事情，即使我们知道我们应该介入其中，恐吓和恐惧也经常阻止我们做我们知道我们应该做的事情。理想情况下，我们介入并停止欺凌，即使这需要勇气。我们需要做好行动的心理准备，这样我们才能教给我们的孩子这种技能，并装备他们应对这种具有挑战性的情况。如果他们感到虚弱无力，他们需要做的最好的事情是:走开并报告这件事。拒绝成为“霸凌三方”中的一员，是让消除霸凌的有力手段。世俗研究表明，霸凌通常在那之后很快就会结束。

Sometimes students don’t want to report the incident for fear of being labeled a “snitch.” Children need to understand the difference between reporting and tattling. We report because we want to help someone. We tattle because we want to get someone in trouble. If they are reporting to an adult that another person is being hurt or harassed, their goal is to help that person. This is reporting and it is noble.

有时学生不想报告这一事件，因为害怕被贴上”告密者”的标签。孩子们需要了解报告者和告密者之间的区别。我们举报是因为我们想帮助别人。我们打小报告，因为我们想让某人陷入困境。如果他们向成年人报告另一个人受到伤害或骚扰，他们的目标是帮助那个人。这是报告，是高尚的。

In Christian circles, we’re so very blessed. Even though there’s no silver bullet, we have the closest thing: we have the model of Jesus. How did he treat people? Look at the woman at the well in John 4. As a Jewish man, Jesus shouldn’t have had anything to do with her. Jews and Samaritans didn’t get along. Jewish society would frown upon him talking to a Samaritan woman. And as a male he shouldn’t have been talking to a woman, especially a woman of questionable background. While most Jews, especially Jewish men, would have avoided this thirsty woman at the well, Jesus befriended her and shared the Living Water with her.

在基督徒圈子里，我们是如此的有福。虽然没有灵丹妙药，但我们有最接近的东西：我们有耶稣的榜样。他是如何对待别人的？看看约翰福音4章井边的那个女人。作为一个犹太人，耶稣不应该与她有任何关系。犹太人和撒玛利亚人彼此不睦。犹太社会会对他和撒玛利亚女人说话皱眉头的。作为一名男性，他不应该和一个女人说话，尤其是一个背景可疑的女人。虽然大多数犹太人，尤其是犹太男人，会避开井边这个口渴的女人，但耶稣还是和她成为朋友，并与她分享了活水。

In John 8, we learn about the woman who was caught in adultery and was on the verge of being pelted to death by rocks. Jesus said to those who were harassing her, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

在约翰福音8章中，我们了解到那个行淫被抓的女人，面临被石头砸死。耶稣对那些挑衅她的人说：你们中间谁是没有罪的，就当先拿石头打她。

And who could forget Zacchaeus, the tax collector up in the tree? Jesus declared to him, “I must stay at your house today, Zacchaeus” (Luke 19), even though tax collectors were looked down upon as swindlers and thieves. Jesus befriended and stood beside those who were outcast by society.

谁能忘记树上的税吏撒该呢？尽管税吏被看作为骗子和小偷，耶稣却对他说：撒该，我今天必留在你家（路加福音19）。耶稣与那些被社会抛弃的人成为朋友，站在他们身边。

Even when a bystander blows it and loses courage, our opportunity to positively impact the situation hasn’t completely passed. There is value in going back to the person who was bullied and saying, I’m really sorry about how they treated you the other day. The next time they pick on you, I will stand with you. Apologize and determine to stand with them if it happens again.

即使旁观者搞砸了，失去了勇气，我们积极影响局面的机会还没有完全过去。回到被霸凌的人身边是有价值的，对他说，“我真的很抱歉他们前几天那样对待你。下次他们再欺负你时，我会和你站在一起。”道歉，并决定再次发生这种情况时与他们站在一起。

Empowering the Target

赋予霸凌目标能力

Most people are going to be the target in the triumvirate at some point. But why are some people targeted so often? Think back to when you were in school. There was probably a time someone put you down in order to make themselves feel better. Maybe they chose to pick on you when you got glasses. Lots of kids in school wear glasses and can become a target. But not everybody becomes repeatedly picked on for their glasses. Lots of kids have braces, but not everybody is repeatedly picked on for having braces. Many kids are teased for being too heavy, or too thin. Some get picked on more than others. Why?

在某个时候，大多数人都会成为霸凌三方中的目标。但是，为什么有些人经常成为攻击目标呢？回想一下你在学校的时候。可能有一段时间有人为了让自己感觉更好而贬低你。也许他们选择在你戴眼镜时挑剔你。学校里的很多孩子都戴着眼镜，可能成为目标。但并不是每个人都会因为眼镜而反复被选中。很多孩子都有牙套，但并不是每个人都因为戴牙套而被反复选中。许多孩子被嘲笑太重或太瘦。有些人比其他人更容易被选中。为什么？

The answer is in the reaction. If a person becomes visibly upset, they are an ideal target for someone who is trying to make them look foolish or weak.

答案就在反应。如果一个人变得明显不安，他们是那些试图让他们看起来愚蠢或软弱的人的理想目标。

It is inevitable that at some point we will be mistreated. We will be the target of someone who is mean, untruthful, and rude. Again, the goal is for all of us to be strong enough in our identity and in our God given gifts that we can be resilient during difficult times. Remind yourself and those in your sphere of influence that even if feelings are hurt, it’s not the end of the world. It will get better, and it will pass. Learning to be strong and resilient regardless of what other people say or think of us, and encouraging others to do the same, will serve us well.

不可避免的是，在某些时候我们会受到不公正的对待。我们会成为那些卑鄙、不诚实、粗鲁的人的目标。再次强调，我们的目标是在我们的身份和上帝赋予我们的天赋中变得足够强大，使我们能够在困难时能够坚忍不拔。提醒你自己和你影响范围内的人，即使感情受到伤害，也不是世界末日。会好起来的，会过去的。学会坚强和有韧性，无论别人怎么说或怎么看我们，并鼓励别人也这样做，对我们都有好处。

Let’s differentiate between a target and a victim. Everyone is going to be a target at some time, but they don’t need to become a victim. Being a victim impacts our identity. When someone treats us poorly, we choose how we think about it. It’s really a problem for the person being cruel, and it doesn’t have anything to do with us as the target. The unkind person has an underlying issue, and it’s not a reflection on me. Or we can believe what the bully says and let it color how we see the world. We can think other people don’t have our best intentions in mind, or that we always get the short end of the stick. If we do this, we let the bully impact our identity. In reality, the issue is never about the target. The problem is always with the bully.

我们来区分一下目标和受害者。每个人都会在某个时候成为目标，但他们不需要成为受害者。成为受害者会影响我们的身份。当有人对待我们不好时，我们会选择如何看待它。这其实是残忍的人的问题，与我们作为目标没有任何关系。。这个不友善的人有潜在的问题，这不是我的问题。或者我们可以相信霸凌别人的人所说的话，让它影响我们看待世界的方式。我们可以认为别人对我们没有最好的意图，或者我们总是吃亏。如果我们这样做，我们就让欺凌者影响了我们的身份。实际上，问题从来都不是关于霸凌目标的。问题总是在霸凌者身上。

As we work to empower the target, we want to ask them a couple of key questions. We can start by asking the target if what is being said about them is true. Take for example a child being picked on for wearing braces. Is it true? Do they wear braces? Yes. But the braces serve a good purpose, and although it’s difficult right now, eventually they are going to have beautiful teeth. They are being picked on, but it’s really not about them: it’s about the person who is bullying them wanting to feel better about him or herself by picking on a kid with braces.

当我们努力为霸凌目标赋能时，我们想问他们几个关键问题。我们可以从询问霸凌目标关于他们的传言是否属实开始。以一个孩子因戴牙套而被挑衅。是真的吗？他们戴牙套吗？是的。但是牙套起到了很好的作用，尽管现在很难。最终，它们将拥有美丽的牙齿。他们被挑衅了，但这真的不是关于他们的：这是关于欺负他们的人，他想通过挑选一个戴牙套的孩子来让自己感觉更好。

Sometimes, humor can help deflect the situation. I have a friend who, as she likes to say, is vertically challenged. She is 4’ 11” on a good day. As a young girl, she was constantly picked on for being small. One day, when she came home from school crying, her mother asked her, “Is what they are saying true? Are you short? (Yes.) Did God make you that way? (Yes.) Is there anything you can do about it? (No.) So let’s find something you can say, so it doesn’t hurt so much. The next time they tease you for being short, why don’t you reply with something like, I know I’m short, but it makes it easier for me to look up to you!”

有时，幽默可以帮助转移局面。我有一个朋友，正如她喜欢说的那样，她是一个身高不高的人。她最多就1米49。作为一个小女孩，她总是因为个子小而被挑剔。有一天，当她从学校哭着回家时，她的母亲问她：”他们说的是真的吗？你个子矮吗？（是的。）上帝让你这样吗？（是的。）你能做些什么吗？（不能。）所以让我们找一些你可以说的话，这样就不会那么受伤。下次他们嘲笑你矮小的时候，你为什么不回答一些类似的话，“我知道我很矮，但这让我更容易仰望你！”

They practiced it until my friend was comfortable with what she would say and how she would say it. She wasn’t being disrespectful or elevating the situation. She was using humor to defuse it signaling the bullies that their comments wouldn’t bother her any longer.

他们一直练习，直到我的朋友对她要说什么以及她将如何说感到满意。她没有不尊重人或升级紧张局势。她用幽默来化解它，向欺凌者发出信号，他们的评论不会再打扰她了。

In this instance the mother did two remarkable things. She recognized humor as a tool that may deflect mean intentions without confrontation. And, she helped her daughter who was being targeted understand who she was, and reminded of her of her identity in the Lord, so that it wouldn’t hurt so much when people used a physical trait as a weapon to hurt her.

在这个例子中，母亲做了两件了不起的事情。她认识到幽默是一种工具，可以在不对抗的情况下转移卑鄙的意图。而且，她帮助被针对的女儿了解她是谁，并提醒她她在主里的身份，这样当人们使用身体特征作为武器来伤害她时，就不会受到太大的伤害。

Understanding how the brain and amygdala works, and being aware that we do not think quickly or effectively when we are in conflict, we want to practice to make certain we, or those we are helping, feel comfortable with what they are going to say if they try to defuse the situation with humor. The young man wearing braces can practice his comeback. The next time the kids call him “metal mouth,” he can say, I prefer brace face. He just took away the fun of making him a target and presented himself as a fun person to be around. The bully, who is trying to feel better by demeaning this boy, will not be rewarded and in most instances, he will stop.

了解大脑和杏仁核是如何工作的，并意识到当我们处于冲突中时，我们不会快速或有效地思考，我们想要练习，以确保我们，或者那些我们正在帮助的人，在他们试图用幽默来缓和局势时，对他们将要说的话感到舒服。戴着牙套的年轻人可以练习他的回应。下次孩子们叫他”金属嘴”时，他可以说，我更喜欢“牙套脸”。他只是带走了让他成为霸凌目标的乐趣，并把自己表现为一个有趣的人。霸凌者试图通过贬低这个男孩来感觉更好，但他没有得到回报，在大多数情况下，他会停止。

Using humor to deflect can backfire if it comes across as antagonistic or aggressive. The first and best strategy is simply to help the target, adult or child, understand their true worth and value. The easiest way to deflect a bully’s wrath is to ignore the bait, realizing that it’s the bully’s issue, not theirs.

Two questions for the target to ask:

1. Is what they are saying true?

2. How can you make it less hurtful?

用幽默来转移注意力，但如果它给人的印象是敌对的或侵略性的，可能会适得其反。第一个也是最好的策略是帮助霸凌目标，成人或儿童，了解他们的真正价值和重要性。转移霸凌者愤怒的最简单方法是忽略（引起霸凌的）诱饵，意识到这是欺凌者的问题，而不是霸凌目标的问题。

要问霸凌目标的两个问题：

1.他们说的是真的吗？

2.如何减少伤害？

We must remember, and remind others, that we have God-given gifts and a secure identity. When we understand our true value and worth, we won’t get caught up believing the lies or harmful things being said. We do not become a victim, but instead grow stronger and more resilient.

我们必须记住并提醒他人，我们有上帝赐予的恩赐和安全的身份。当我们了解自己的真正价值和重要性时，我们就不会陷入相信谎言或有害言论。我们不会成为受害者，而是变得更强壮，更有韧性。

A couple last thoughts before we move on. Sometimes we do something to draw attention to ourselves. This naturally makes us an easy target. That doesn’t mean we should back down. One young man I know insisted on wearing a cowboy hat and boots to school every day. Though his peers picked on him, he brushed off the incessant teasing and stood his ground.

在我们继续之前，最后的几个想法。有时我们会做一些事情来引起人们对自己的关注。这自然使我们成为一个容易被霸凌的目标。这并不意味着我们应该退缩。我认识的一个年轻人坚持每天戴着牛仔帽和靴子去上学。尽管他的同龄人挑衅他，但他还是不理会无休止的嘲笑，坚持自己的立场。

But what if we bring the bullying on ourselves? What if we see someone being bullied, and think, if you just wouldn’t do that, your life would be so much easier! Sometimes we insist on learning the hard way, and often those lessons pack the biggest punch. It’s up to us to own our actions even if they make our life difficult. And it’s good to remember how Jesus befriended the outsiders and the picked on, and those (like the tax collectors) who were doing things they shouldn’t be doing. He was willing to associate with people in all walks of life and he modeled that for us.

但如果我们自己也被霸凌了呢？如果我们看到有人被霸凌，并想，如果你不这样做，你的生活会容易得多！有时候，我们坚持要通过艰难的方式来学习，而这些教训往往是最重要的。这取决于我们自己的行为，即使它们使我们的生活变得困难。记住耶稣是如何帮助外来者和被欺负的人，以及那些做了不该做的事的人(比如税吏)，这是很好的。他愿意与各行各业的人交往，他为我们树立了榜样。

Empowering the Person Acting as a Bully

赋予欺凌者能力

How do we empower the one with the bullying behavior? First, it’s important to build relationships with these people. There’s a famous saying in the world of psychology: “Hurt people hurt people.” Have you found that to be true yet? People who are abused, unless they get help, often become abusers. They have been hurt, and instead of dealing with their hurt, they respond likewise, by hurting others.

我们如何赋予欺凌者能力？首先，与这些人建立关系很重要。心理学界有一句名言：受伤害的人会伤害人。你发现这是真的吗？被虐待的人，除非得到帮助，否则往往会成为施虐者。他们受到了伤害，而不是处理他们的伤害，他们通过伤害他人来做出类似的反应。

Our job is to help them figure out there’s another way to deal with their hurt. Bullies often have a poor esteem. They feel small and insignificant, and to cope, they make somebody else feel small and insignificant to build themselves up.

我们的工作是帮助他们找出另一种方法来处理他们的伤害。霸凌者往往自尊心很差。他们觉得自己渺小而微不足道，为了应对，他们让别人觉得渺小和微不足道，而抬高他们自己。

We want to build an authentic relationship with these people. They need to know their true identity in Christ. They need to know what they’re good at, and what God has made them to be. This can be difficult, because often we’re disgusted with their actions, and encouraging them and figuring out how to love them is the furthest thing from our mind. In these instances, we must turn to the gospel, because the gospel is what transforms hearts. We must learn how to build a loving relationship with people that are not acting in a loving way. Our goal is to help them understand they are significant, while at the same time making them aware that is absolutely not how to treat people. They need to know their behavior cannot and will not be tolerated, all the while showing them you care, and you are a safe person for them to talk with. You cannot influence them if you haven’t earned their trust.

我们希望与这些人建立真正的关系。他们需要知道自己在基督里的真实身份。他们需要知道他们擅长什么，以及上帝使他们成为什么。这可能很困难，因为我们经常对他们的行为感到厌恶，鼓励他们并弄清楚如何爱他们是我们头脑中最遥远的事情。在这些情况下，我们必须转向福音，因为福音是改变心灵的。我们必须学会如何与那些没有以爱的方式行事的人建立一种爱的关系。我们的目标是帮助他们了解他们重要，同时让他们知道这绝对不是对待别人的方式。他们需要知道他们的行为不能也不会被容忍，同时向他们表明你的关心，你是一个安全的人，可以与他们交谈。如果你没有赢得他们的信任，你就无法影响他们。

Sometimes, you need to be the family that is a safe place for a tough kid in the neighborhood. That child who is viewed as a knucklehead may not have the greatest home, so your home will be the place where they go to see a family that models Christian love. At your house they see how a Christian husband and wife treat each other with respect. They see how forgiving parents treat their children with patience when the milk gets spilled; it’s not a huge incident, it’s simply a mistake, so you clean it up. You can be that caring, appropriate adult that models compassion for them. I encourage you—be that house where the kids hang out. When possible, be the car that drives the kids to events. I learned a valuable lesson when I was a high school coach: Young people think that when the radio is on and you’re in the front seat, you can’t hear what’s going on in the back. They talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. So turn the speakers on the stereo louder in the back and off in the front, or sing along every now and then so they don’t think you are paying attention, and be amazed at what you will learn.

有时候，你需要成为一个家，为邻居里的顽童提供一个安全的地方。那些被认为是傻瓜的孩子可能没有最好的家，所以你的家将为他们树立一个以基督徒的爱为榜样的家庭。在你家里，他们看到基督徒的丈夫和妻子如何互相尊重。他们看到当牛奶洒了时，宽容的父母如何耐心地对待自己的孩子;这不是什么大事件，只是个错误，所以你清理干净就好了。你可以成为那个有爱心的，合适的成年人，为他们树立同情心。我鼓励你成为孩子们玩耍的地方。如果可能的话，开车送孩子去参加活动。当我还是高中教练的时候，我学到了宝贵的一课:年轻人认为，当你坐在前排，收音机开着的时候，你听不到后排的情况。他们说话，说话，说话，说话，说话。因此，将立体声音响上的扬声器在后面开大声，而把前面关掉，或者时不时地唱歌，这样他们就不会认为你在注意，你会对你学到的东西感到惊讶。

Understanding that hurt people hurt people, it is vital to have caring Christians build relationships with those who are hurting, and also bullying. There’s been significant research done in the area of at-risk young people. I completed my Master’s degree in educating students at risk and have always gravitated toward kids who struggle in school. There is a common thread I’ve observed in young people who grew up in an at-risk home but went on to accomplish wonderful things. The common denominator is this: they have one caring, appropriate adult in their world. It might be a grandma or a grandpa, an aunt or an uncle, a teacher, or a friend’s mom. You might be that person to someone who otherwise would fall through the cracks! You can be the caring, appropriate adult in their life. Trying to figure out how to build a relationship can be complicated—they’re hurting, and you want to help, but at the same time you can’t tolerate poor behavior. You have to call them out and hold them to a high standard of integrity. When you see them acting in a way that is inappropriate or offensive, it is important to make it clear over and over, every time, that’s not how we talk or act or treat people. Your friendship earns the right to have these difficult conversations and expect good things from them.

明白受傷的人也会傷害人，让有爱心的基督徒与那些受伤害的人以及受欺负的人建立关系是至关重要的。在高危青少年领域已经做了很多重要的研究。我的硕士学位是在教育面临风险的学生方面完成的，我总是被那些在学校里挣扎的孩子所吸引。我在那些在危险家庭中长大的年轻人身上观察到一个共同的线索，他们后来都成就了美好的事情。他们的共同点是:在他们的世界里有一个关心他们的、合适的成年人。可能是奶奶或爷爷，阿姨或叔叔，老师，或者朋友的妈妈。你可能就是那个被别人忽视的人!你可以成为他们生活中有爱心的，合适的成年人。试图弄清楚如何建立一种关系是很复杂的——他们很受伤，你想要帮助他们，但同时你又不能容忍不良行为。你必须让他们说出自己的想法，让他们恪守诚实的高标准。当你看到他们以一种不恰当或冒犯的方式行事时，重要的是要一遍又一遍地表明，这不是我们说话、做事或待人的方式。你们的友谊为你们赢得了进行这些艰难对话的权利，并期待从中得到好处。

And how do you earn their trust? By spending time with them, by getting to know them, by taking an active interest in them, by asking and listening to their hopes and experiences. This trusting connection happens within relationship. You may be the one person in their life willing to make the time to really get to know them. When you are ready to do this, you are able to help them change the trajectory of their life. What a privilege!

你如何赢得他们的信任？通过花时间与他们在一起，通过了解他们，通过积极关注他们，通过询问和倾听他们的希望和经历。这种信任连接发生在关系中。你可能是他们生命中唯一一个愿意花时间真正了解他们的人。当你准备好这样做时，你就能帮助他们改变他们的生活轨迹。这是何等的特权！

Hopefully, the love and attention we give motivates these people to come up with alternative actions in response to the emotions they are feeling. Some of these people have justified anger. If we knew their story, and all they had been through and experienced, we might be angry too. But all of us must find healthy ways to deal with anger. It’s normal to feel emotions. It’s important to learn healthy strategies and coping mechanisms.

希望我们给予的爱和关注能激励这些人想出替代行动来回应他们所感受到的情绪。其中一些人有理由愤怒。如果我们知道他们的故事，以及他们经历和经历的一切，我们也可能生气。但我们所有人都必须找到健康的方式来处理愤怒。感受情绪是正常的。学习健康的策略和应对机制很重要。

Don’t forget the power of prayer. Working with people who are going through challenging times is difficult. Sometimes the ones who are hardest to love are the ones who need it the most. And we have the powerful tool of prayer. We can pray for grace, patience, and the ability to build a trusting relationship with people who are challenging to love and respect. And we can model grace, undeserved love, for others as we find the courage and solace to do so through God in prayer.

不要忘记祷告的力量。与正在经历挑战时期的人一起工作是很困难的。有时候，最难爱的人是最需要爱的人。我们有祷告这个强大的工具。我们可以祈求恩典、耐心，以及与那些难以爱和尊重的人建立信任关系的能力。我们可以为他人树立恩典，不配得的爱的榜样，因为我们在祷告中通过上帝找到勇气和安慰。

One more important thing. What if you are bullying others unknowingly? If you’re in a position of authority, are you open to the ideas of those who work with you? Do you stand up for your colleagues when you hear a complaint of misconduct or do you legitimately check into it? Are you part of a cliché that plans all the activities and keeps others on the outside? Ask God to search your heart and open your eyes.

还有一件重要的事情。如果你在不知不觉中欺负别人怎么办？如果你处于权威地位，你是否对那些与你一起工作的人的想法持开放态度？当你听到有关不当行为的投诉时，你是否为你的同事挺身而出，或者你是否合法地检查它？您是否属于自己计划所有活动而让其他人置身事外的老套路吗？求神搜查你的心，打开你的眼睛。

北京福音路德教会

Beijing Evangelical Lutheran Church

创造一个所有人都被包容的文化-用律法和福音的镜子去看待霸凌

Contents内容

Introduction

What Is Bullying?

什么是霸凌

A primary objective of this book is to assist in establishing an intentional culture of including others within classrooms and homes.本书的一个主要目标是在学校和家里帮助建立一种有意识地包容他人的文化。

The power of love is greater than the love of power.

爱的力量大于对力量的爱

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创造一个所有人都被包容的文化-用律法和福音的镜子去看待霸凌

Contents内容

Introduction

What Is Bullying?

什么是霸凌

A primary objective of this book is to assist in establishing an intentional culture of including others within classrooms and homes.本书的一个主要目标是在学校和家里帮助建立一种有意识地包容他人的文化。

The power of love is greater than the love of power.

爱的力量大于对力量的爱

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